1. When life gives you curves, flaunt them.
2. A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets, you don’t know where to put your hands.
3. I am proud of my heart. It has been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.
4. Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.
5. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
6. Anyone who lives within their means, suffers from a serious lack of imagination.
7. Everyone happens for a reason, but sometimes the real reason is that you are stupid, and you make bad decisions.
8. You are uppity for someone who doesn’t have a job.
9. Do not ever underestimate my ability to find crap out.
10. How do you prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
11. Recipes are like a dating services. They never end up looking like the picture.
12. A female president would only be a good idea if you wanted the country run right for some reason.
13. Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
14. Real women don’t have hot flashes they have power surges.
15. Politicians used to promise us a chicken in every pot. Now all we get is a turkey in every office.
16. I am not aging, I am marinating.
17. Sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it.
18. Growing old can be fun if you do it with the right people.
19. Before you judge me, make sure you are perfect.
20. There is no vaccine against stupidity.