Sometimes life bites you in the arse, but thankfully I have enough padding there to take the hit.
It’s called reading. It’s how people install new software into their brains.
Don’t stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
Mom, what was that? Just my shirt fell, but it sounded a lot heavier than that. I know, I was in it.
I hate when I am trying to eat a salad and it accidentially falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.
A group of baboons is called a congress. It is all so clear to me now.
Don’t blame the holidays. You were fat in August.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app they will start using it.
I want to sleep but my brain won’t stop talking to itself.
Whoever said technology will replace paper…Has obviously never tried to wipe the booty with an Ipad.
Frankly autocorrect, I am getting a bit tired of your shirt.
Mozart wrote his first symphony at the age of 8. I am an adult and just rehearsed what I am going to say at the drive-thru five times.
I need to stop, I whispered to myself as I clicked “add to cart.”
The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece.
I always carry a knife in my purse. You know. In case of cheesecake or something.
Kids’ toys should come with better warning labels, like “Loud as hell,” “No off switch,” and “requires 217 batteries.”
Autocorrect, stop correcting my sear words you piece of shut.
Isn’t it an awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.
I am so glad I was young and stupid long before there were camera phones.
If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them but remember to throw the flower pot with it.
Brains are awesome, I wish everybody had one.
Everyone pulls their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
I told you that I do not have Alzheimer’s. I have “some-timers,” sometimes I remember and sometimes I don’t!!
Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.
Just once I would like to find a lemonade stand that has a liquor license.
“My lawyer says I can sue the school because they are violating my right to be stupid.”
Wear a shirt that says “Life.” Hand out lemons on the street corner.
Hire two private investigators and get them to follow each other.
Go into a crowded elevator and say, “I bet you are all wondering why I gathered you here,” with a straight face.
Make vanilla pudding and put it into a mayo jar and eat it in public.
I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.