Each month has an average of 30-31 days except the last month of school which has 1,724 days.
You are still a rock star, I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed by 9 p.m.
I hate it when I am trying to eat a salad and it accidentally falls in the trash and then I have to eat pizza instead.
To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
What do you do when your favorite series just ended and you have no idea what to do now.
I like to make lists but I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter and guess what is on the list while I am at the store.
I am too old for Snapchat but too young for Life Alert.
Beauty sleep is a lie. Everyone looks like crap when they first wake up.
When I asked for a smoking hot body, menopause was not what I had in mind.
My fashion style is called whatever the hell still fits me.
I always carry a knife in my purse. You know in case of cheesecake or something.
The only thing worse than parallel parking is having witnesses.
One of the hardest meals for me to limit myself is the one from Halloween until New Year’s Eve.
I want a closed casket funeral. However towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with a silent and horrified anticipation.
There is an awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.
If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them, but remember to throw the flower pot with it.
Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately.
It is strange how common sense isn’t that common anymore.