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September 15, 2019
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To Ponder

By: Irene Hilsendager
September 13, 2019

Here is the best guide to how to be annoying in 101 ways;

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

Speak only in a “robot” voice.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200 percent, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog “Dog.”

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”