I spent the weekend feeling like a prized buck. Eyes glazed over, stuffed and ready to be mounted on the wall.

We all know the feeling of eating too much. Sometimes it’s just too good to stop, maybe our hunger gets the best of us and makes us eat too quickly, or maybe we’re on vacation.

As we all know, things that don’t exist on vacation include, among other things, the need for shoes, deadlines and too much food. That last one is dangerous.

Making this even more precarious, my vacation was spent at a beach house, where the reason for coming is splashing at your feet outside the back door. There’s not much else to do but sip cold beer and eat good food.

We arrived in the evening, just in time for a dinner of pulled pork from a crock pot. Apparently we were late, but tasting that pork, I think we were right on time. There are also a few salads to accompany the meat, but I couldn’t tell you what they tasted like.

After devouring a giant dollop of sweet meat, the dessert train began rolling out. I’m not exaggerating - there were eight full desserts (for about eight people).

Port and raspberry brownies, some kind of cereal and peanut bars, s’more pie, orange dream pie, something else with peanuts, two kinds of cookies, and I’m sure I forgot something. Everything was made in full batches, so this must have taken all day.

I got a little suspicious. Why make so much food for just us? Maybe it was a modern day Hansel and Gretel story - which, in a non-fairytale setting with grown adults would make it more like a Jeffrey Dahmer story. I always thought Hansel and Gretel was too creepy to be read to children, and I was really beginning to get creeped out.

I slyly dropped the question into casual conversation. “So, why are you feeding us so many desserts? Isn’t this a bit much?” I finished the question in my head with, “How are you going to cook us?”

Oh, you make everything on the first day to have throughout the weekend? That makes sense.

I felt sheepish. Or muttonish, rather. But at least I knew I wasn’t just being stuffed for a feast of fairytale proportions later in the evening.
After that, I felt free to eat as much as I wanted, nay, as much as I could. The key to gorging on vacation is to just eat all the time, nonstop, because it will expand the stomach gradually, with less pain. By eating giant meals, one feels uncomfortably full.

The Grizzle method has been patented in several European countries and is the next trend in American overeating. It’s guaranteed to add at least five pounds in one week and eliminate your need for a belt. Call today! Because once your fingers swell up you won’t be able to use the touch screen on your iPhone!

It was a feat that should not be duplicated. At least not for a while. So the next week was spent shrinking the stomach, making sure to eat at regular intervals even if it growls like a tiger.

When people ask me about my vacation the first thing mentioned is always food. “We ate at this great place!” or “The food there is so good!” Vacation food is never bad - maybe it’s because of the mind set in which it is eaten. Or the lack of blood flow to the brain making you loopy because it’s all going to your stomach to digest way too much food.